idk, man.

If you peaked inside my bedroom door right now, you would definitely judge me. I mean it. Even if you are also a messy person. It is complete and utter chaos-- so much that I’m even afraid of it. And if you’ve been my friend for a long time, you know this is saying something. I’ve never been one for tidy.

But I’m stressed out by the mess in my house right now. I’m avoiding it, of course, by writing about how stressed it makes me. The problem is that I know exactly why it’s haunting me. It feels so powerfully metaphorical for my life, my mind, and my heart right now. Straight chaos-- like the tornado from the Wizard of Oz swept through everything. But instead of dealing with any of it-- I just want to run away and hide.

The first few months of parenting are hazy. You literally have no idea what you are doing so every. single. moment. feels like this amazing learning opportunity that you don’t really want to do anything but things you KNOW how to do in the few spare moments you get (oh, binge Gilmore Girls with a bottle of wine instead of dealing with anything? I’m good at that. Great!)

Then, you go back to work. You’re husband goes back to work WHILE in full time grad school. He means to quit, but you’re both freaked out about one income so he just does both for the entirety of second semester. He damn near loses his mind. You forget to communicate because while he is doing all of this, you are teaching + coaching + taking online grad school classes + figuring out how to raise a human who is now able to put acorns in her mouth for the one second you look away and so now you are freaking out and crying because what if, what if, what if. And then your husband finally quits his job because (BLESS) that was supposed to happen in October but might have to leave the country for a minute this summer and you just absolutely are uncertain about everything in your life. So you don’t open your bedroom door unless you have to- because it’s too much of a reminder of all the spiraling inside your body right now.

Of course, the “you” here is really a “me”.
But avoidance is key.

How do you start to piece your life together when it feels like trying to hold spaguetti? How do you live out faith in uncertainty and really, truly take leaps without clenching the handle bars?

I have no idea. But I guess that’s really about how much I know about everything right now.
Except this.

You will be okay. And the “you” is “me” but it’s also actually you.
You want to believe that you are the exception to the rule of life that states that this will be hard.
But you’re not. You will go through valleys and not everything will be fun. That seems obvious, but in this era of trying to prove our happiness to everyone else via social media, it remains important to remind yourself, I mean me.

Ugh.

I guess I’ll go clean my room now.