drops of joy.

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the first day of our honeymoon ( or evening, really ), we both sat on the dock overlooking the sea and cried. it wasn’t that we weren’t happy– we were overjoyed in  ways we hadn’t even processed yet– but there was a strange change of life that had just swept us both up and it was as if the world kept spinning and we weren’t quite running fast enough to keep up. 

the past two months, i feel like i’ve been playing catch up// 
we both have.

marriage is the best thing i have ever known. i won’t even follow that with a, “but it’s so challenging”. because honestly, right now, it’s not. it’s a relief. it’s endless laughter. and maybe i’m still young and naive, but i would like to think maybe marriage won’t be as hard as people kept telling us. yes, certainly, life will be hard and we will continue to navigate through it. but now it’s together// 

what i’ve been catching up on is the beast that is the inner workings of my brain. i have learned so much about just how deep certain lies are, how messed up my own thinking is, and how toxic regret can be. 

i wrestle with myself every single day. there is so much joy that permeates the moments and celebrations of the past few months– and i’m seeing now how i could even mask anxiety with “wedding stress”// could mask my inability to let go joyfully.

so that’s what i’m catching up on. memories and moments and creating a mosaic of truth rather than lost opportunities//

catching up so that i can run well again.
after all, there is another human running with me now.
and i think i owe him the best run i can muster.

//