escape doors.

If I’m honest, I’ve just been waiting for open doors.
And honestly, I think I’m just being picky. Looking for doors inside doors; looking for secret caverns or escapes from the doors that have opened wide and I’ve walked into.  I walk into a room of good and growth and chances and new starts and I instantly am searching desperately, hard of breathe, searching for the nearest new door- the exit, the escapes.

I look for exit signs in every situation I enter. I look for the exit sign before I even look to see what or who is in the room.

I look for exit signs everywhere I go. And this is how I know that my biggest issue is trust. I don’t trust the Great, Great God who opens the doors in the first place. Because I’m too busy begging for the trap door that leads me to an escape- chutes and ladders- sliding quickly to something new.

As if I’m scared for new people and places to get hold of me or for me to get hold of them- freaking scared to let people really, really, really know me. I’ve got the few and the faithful- the new might think differently about me- so I escape. New city, new school, new home- let me escape and start over because that’s easy and I’m 100% comfortable with my surface self.

Doors open. I walk through. Slowly, cautiously. Quick- eyes up- where oh where is the escape.

And here is one of those things you know when I can’t get out, when I have to stay- anxiety runs deep under my skin. Hence the doors, hence the escaping- under it all: fear.

Get locked in a room with your fear. No easy exits. No escape doors. Locked in.

I can’t escape forever. And the fear holds another name: to stay.

Is this the year of staying? The year of wrestling fear down to the ground and shaking it out of my skin?

Closed doors don’t always mean “no”. They mean, “Hey girl, stay inside for a while and see what this room is all about before you run for fresh air”.  Those door hinges will shake loose and the door will swing wide when it’s time to go. For now, sit down and stop looking for a way out- start letting the world find a way in.