fighting demons on 75.

sometimes i think that i would be perfectly content to sit still in a room of all the things i love and never, ever have to learn anything new about myself. to be a plant stunted without rain and sunlight and unable to grow. but at least i would be happy and content and never have to face myself.

but even in my worst, drama queen moments– i know that there is no possibility to be a disciple and to be stunted, albeit comfortable,
in growth.

the other night i had one of those moments where i felt like i was fighting the demons of my own selfish mind. i find these moments a lot. like too many other late nights, i found myself driving north on I-75, away from the comfort of community and away from the boy that it now hurts to be away from (isn’t that a strange phenomenon?).

yet there i was, fighting demons and tears on 75. 


my entire last year of college was filled with a lot of tears and ready for change. and by change i meant i really just wanted to be back surrounded by people i knew loved me. don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of redeeming moments and blessings and people in my time in sweet rome, ga. but a majority of my time, i wanted to be done.

and i can’t say i have missed college. once. at all. ever. 

this past summer was the first time andrew and i had EVER and i really mean EVER lived in the same city for more than ten days straight. and for lack of a better word, it was just FUN. it was everything we had cried (well, just me) and prayed about for years and then suddenly it was august and i was off again. and i felt stupid and selfish and like i should just quit my job and my lease and everything new– which in turn would make me really stupid and really selfish.

as tears streamed down my face as i headed back, i got a text to listen to the grace midtown podcast. 

and it was perfect, because Jesus does that.
sends His word to you even when you won’t pick it up yourself.

the mark of a disciple is someone who is willing to face the unknown. to walk into valleys of life with the beauty of the mountain time beaming off of them. to be uncomfortable.

oh, and i am uncomfortable.

that doesn’t mean i’m not happy or blessed or understand how sweet my world actually is. but i can still be uncomfortable.

but i have to learn to walk in that. to rejoice in it. 
and starting thursday, to teach out of it.

there is so much uncertainty revolving around my head but i’m having to learn everyday to let it go. to not only ask to be taken where my feet have never wandered, but then to go.

willingly, no matter the lack of “comfort”. and that looks different for everyone. for me, it’s finally realizing how whole you can feel when you spend daily life with the one you love and then being ripped from that comfort again. but that same longing and desire for wholeness, HAS to be manifested in the Lord as i walk. it has to be. 

“God’s will” for my life has very little to do with location. but it does have to do with praying, living joyfully, and loving without walls. and this is where i am right now. so that’s just what i’m going to do.

plants need sunlight and they need rain to grow.
they need changing conditions.
and perhaps little plants don’t like change either,
but it keeps them alive and flourishing–
growth by change alone.