honesty.

if i am being honest, i’m possibly the worst person to have a conversation with right now. usually because all conversations inevitably bring up the topic of the big and bad “next year”. i am in no way trying to stay in college. in fact, that’s almost what makes it worse. it’s almost like i’m incapable of being happy either way. i don’t want to be here anymore, but i also don’t want to leave.

and if anyone sticks around long enough to get anything out about next year, the facts are simple. i have a job, and in that regard, i am so incredibly blessed. on the other hand, i have a boy that i really and honestly just want to live near and that is just not looking like the case.

and so the question is “why don’t you do something about that?”. but it’s not exactly in my control anymore. which, after countless, tear-brimming conversations and runs and metaphorically banging my head on a wall and applying to every school district i can to be near this boy, i’m running out of ways to try and stay in control. but more than likely, i never was. it’s just that i’m having to realize it now.

over the past month, this relationship has faltered, been picked up and grown; it has been stretched, and two people have been really hurt and angry because the chance to be together isn’t easier. and maybe that’s selfish. but it’s honest. and it’s real. there are dozens of factors that play into this, so many that it makes just the simple fact that two people love each other a heck of a lot not really hold much merit at times. it leads to a lot of arguing on the phone and going back and forth on what’s best for a future that seems hard to reach when you are still being pulled apart. it leads to apprehension and jealousy and a lot of sass on this side at least. last night i decided to take a drive to clear my head but the overwhelming feeling of letting go control was still there. so that short drive to the grocery store ended up all the way in athens. there is something truly powerful about having a conversation face to face. it seems simple, only because we do it thousands of times a week. but when you don’t have that chance often, it can change everything. So there we were, lying on a blanket in the middle of a field and just lost. i just want to know that you are going to try, i said, i just want to know that you want to be with me too. and he said, “you have to trust me” and that’s when i realized i didn’t. not in the least.  i had yet to trust the Lord, and I had yet to trust my very best friend; i had yet to think about anything but what i wanted. and then we prayed, together and just sitting there with nothing but the chill night sky surrounding and the reminder that everything will be alright. in fact, it will be more than alright. it will be divine.

i still want what i want. i still want to know that i’m done being alone at night and done so deeply missing the same person over and over again. but i don’t know that. and it has got to stop consuming my thoughts. because i don’t know a lot about next year, but i do know two things. i know that i’ve got a Maker who has opened a door and an adventure. and i know that i have the sweetest boy who despite everything is on this adventure with me, wherever we both end up. maybe that’s not knowing everything, but it’s something worth trusting.