I am unsettled. I want to be settled but I am not and I am unsettled and I do not even know how to stop. Four walls confine me and I want to see bigger pictures. I am too big for my space and too small for the world. I try to be calm and comfortable, but then something inside me weeps for more sky.
I feel like there is something inside me too big for my own frame. It wants to come out and explore the world; the bigger and better version of me. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you. I think that’s okay. But that’s why I’m so unsettled listening to my own restless limbs.
I want to go and see and do. But I want to stay and find a place to fit all the same. It’s confusing, living in my own head.
Tonight Andrew told me that our marriage was designed to help us reach the true expectations we were meant to see, not the ones we place on ourselves to conform. We are learning to take on challenges in jobs and insecurities and the balance of being smart and just freaking living.
Expectations are a funny thing; they can confine us more than walls if we let them.
Tonight I felt suffocated. I wanted to run away to the bigger, better world than my own microcosm. And I still do. I want giant sunsets of pink and orange hues dipping over the ocean. I want my eyes to stretch and stretch over the expanse of beautiful mountain tops. I want greatness outside of myself. I want the cure for all the unsettlement.
But I’m not going to cure it all at once. I can sigh and breathe in deep of river and gray sky that I have. I look beside me and I have a great love that kisses my forehead in the midst of unsettlement and most importantly grounds me like tree roots to a world much sweet than I often recognize. And I am happy.
And even still, even in goodness, tonight I am unsettled. I don’t have to tie up loose ends or ideas and package the way I feel a certain way. Feelings were made to be felt, deep and raw. These are mine.