just like a sailboat.

earlier this week, my dear friend sent me some song lyrics by one of our favorites, ben rector, that fit both of our lives perfectly right now.  I had just returned from a beauty-filled run and was staring wide –eyed at the screen by the relevance that these words held in my life (and hers, it’s a real blessing when your friends are going through the same stages of life as you).

i feel just like a sailboat.
i don’t know where i’m headed
but you can’t make the wind blow
from a sailboat

i have seen the sun, i’ve felt rain on my skin
i’ve been lost and found
but mostly i’ve been waiting.

oh i’m out on the waves and i’m hoping and praying
please let this wind blow me home.
night after night there’s an empty horizon
my god do i feel so alone.
but sometimes life and most times i feel just like a sailboat.

it continues on. It speaks of raising a sail and of sailing on. of seeking the horizon. but there is one line that hits me hard—you can’t change the wind from a sailboat. you can puff and pant but you can’t make that boat move any faster or in any one direction.

and yes, i feel just like a sailboat.

two days into school i wanted to quit. now twelve days in, i still want to quit and maybe with a bit more vigor. and i have no idea what the right thing to do is. do you follow your heart and give something up only to need more faith to trust you are going to be taken care of once you throw away what’s supporting you? or do you fight through because you think that might be the right thing, but spend night after night wondering why you are spending time in a place you know your heart is not. and even if you muster up the idea that this is right, you can’t put your heart fully into this because half of your heart is lodged deeply in a basement in atlanta in a boy who is growing alongside you, miles away. and you’ve both spend hours, hands together, praying and crying and trying to serve the Lord and serve each other and waiting for an answer, here or there, when the one thing we know is to be together but we can’t understand when or where. and then you make decisions but they unravel around you and day after day you feel lost and found all over again.

but mostly i’ve been waiting.

and then you get in a car crash and are one foot back from being crushed yourself and more chaos leads to thankfulness (thank you thank you thank you Lord) that you are even alive. so once again, why are you spending time trying to pour out when your heart is so crumpled and torn by not being where it is seeking to be that you feel emotionally exhausted almost all of the time.

there is good and there is bad to every day and there is not clear answer but the Lord walks with us, closely and lovingly. and sometimes it takes courage to take risks and steer off a new direction but sometimes you know you are being lead home. but not yet. but soon.

and until then, you wait on the wind.
just like a sailboat.