on quitting.

I have never quit anything in my whole, entire life. I have always been a people-pleasing-do-the-right-thing girl. I played every sport under the sun and tried multiple fine arts, but even if you didn’t like something, you stuck it out. Because I was never going to quit. In fact, I never did anything against the rules. I never cheated on a test or drank a drop of alcohol until I was twenty-one and the one time I tried to sneak out of my house I ran right back inside. Doing the right thing went right along with never quitting. I learned as a competitive runner to stick it out, always, unless of course you passed out. That must be the only breaking point. If you say you are running fifteen miles, you just get up do it. No matter if it hurts. No excuses. No quitting.

I have never quit anything in my whole, entire life.

Until now.

I guess it’s fair to admit that I’m terrified of failure and quitting goes right along with failure to me. And the last thing I would ever dream I to quit is my very first teaching job, the job I worked my ass off in college to get well before I even graduated. I was determined and I packed up my belongings and moved to Chattanooga four months later with more second thoughts than almost anyone know. But determined people don’t have second thoughts. And they sure as anything don’t even think about being wrong or changing their minds. So I moved and started working and guess what? It was hard. It is hard. And I guess that makes this girl just another weakling who can’t survive the real world on her own.

But the thing is, I can.
I just don’t want to.

I have lived alone and been determined and fought through any circumstance all by myself. But I have missed out on community and friendships growing and a relationship that has been long distance for far, far too long.

And not quitting is just not worth it anymore.

Someone told me recently that I had to let go of all this anxiety because of course I’m a quitter. I’m a sinner. I’m not going to make one right or wrong decision and the Lord’s plan for me is going to unravel or fall into place. I’m not that important. And I’m inherently a failure on my own anyway. I’m just learning it by walking through it. Jesus’ plan for my life has little to do with location; Jesus’ love for me has little to do with right or wrong decisions. It has a lot to do with listening and loving and following closely. When Jesus called his disciples, he called them away from their vocations, the one’s they had spent their lives on. He called them to quit, not to be failures, but to be followers.

In the span of seven days, the Lord opened doors for conversations with my principal and human resources that I didn’t have to initiate and then gave me an interview and then a job offer in Metro Atlanta. I’m a quitter. I’m a failure. And He still redeemed me.

So often I ask and ask but forget to expect. It’s like my prayer are a duty for my current condition but I know that in the end I’ll just end up praying for peace again to continue on. But our God is RADICAL. He holds the world. And sometimes our greatest gift is peace in hard times, but sometimes the Lord shows up in big ways just in a human resource office of Georgia education. I prayed for a miracle or a life-changing event. And then I got it like two days later. How ridiculous is that? So ridiculous that I was not ready for it—not ready to actually get up and move again or face uncertainty like I never have before. And yet, it’s not even the job. It’s realizing that life is so much more than just a beautiful town or fighting through getting up every day and working hard and coming home to run and then repeat the cycle. Alone. Our hearts were not made to pour out without being poured into. And that’s what I need more than anything in this season of life. Who am I to put my own pride and guilt in the way of the Lord’s provision and visible answer to prayer?

Change is still hard. Failure is still waiting to make you feel worthless. But this month alone I have lost control of every plan I had along with my car, my camera, and my phone. I’m realizing just how little I need to keep breathing and walking with the Lord. Because while I seem to keep losing a grip on substance after substance, I have been given grace and second chances and the ability to live in community and surrender of independence for the first time in far too many years.

And because the Lord gives redemption far more than I deserve, I can admit that I am a failure and a quitter and a seeker of new mercies. But I am also worthy because He has called me to great things and great love, no matter what city I am currently in.

And sometimes, quitting is simply being called to new adventure.
So for the first time, I quit.