sitting in silence.

image
“maybe that’s what life is about: there’s a lot of despair, but also the odd moments of beauty, where time is no longer the same. something suspended, an elsewhere that has come to us, an always within never. yes, that’s it, an always within never.”
       - the elegance of the hedgehog




today i did not have one ounce of human interaction. well, that is not completely true– i ordered an iced chai– but that thirty second interchange made up the only words i spoke aloud today. this is usually my nightmare. i hate to be alone with myself. i’m scared of what i will think about. of what i will have to fight. i have spent too much time alone, and while i know the immense benefits of silence, i hate to bear too much of it. 

i said recently to someone that alone time isn’t desirable when you don’t choose to be alone, you just are. you don’t crave what you are forced into.
but today, today, has been different. 



today i woke up and read and made coffee, did some yoga, danced in my socks, painted on my little porch, went on a long run up hills and along the river, sat in the sun with a chai (the few spoken words), and have done absolutely nothing since then. i am a busy body. i do not crave days off. they absolutely scare me. and we have had eight days off. and now reaching the end in silence, i see that they have been eight of the richest days recently– i was able to spend time with my sweet sister and drink lots of tea and read several books and actually spend time planning this wedding with my mother who does more for me than i deserve. 


most days, i just want to speed up time. to through the silence, to get through engagement, to get through alone. i feel myself running, running, running towards anyone but myself. i’m so tired of just me. 

but today i was content. and that is a miracle within itself. that is the Lord working in me, even if it’s one day. even if in one hour i go crazy and wish i had ran away. i didn’t. and there is growth in that.