what is the point of being kind and weightless with the satisfaction with your own life? because i want to be kind to be noticed, all too often. so my husband, my friends, my co-workers will notice and think: her heart is pure. she deserves the world in return.
i don’t deserve a damn thing. and i have got to stop believing my kindness or moments where i lose my streak of selfishness entitles me to finally get what i want.
i want to live like i dont deserve my husband to run an errand for me or kiss me on the forehead so i always feel super grateful.
i want to live like i dont deserve to get what i want when its between my choice and a friends. like if i let them have their way, i dont have a freepass to get what i want next time. that i don’t even think i should. like i shouldn’t have as much freedom or vacation time as the person beside me. that i just straight up feel joyful when i get to serve someone and make their life easier, even at the cost of mine becoming a little less ideal.
i want to live like i don’t deserve to sea mountains or rivers or beaches lined with shimmering sand but when i do, it’s like the freaking best gift in the world and i get all giddy and don’t whine when i don’t get enough minutes of soaking it all in. i can want it and love it all i want. but i’m sick of feeling like it’s part of my lot to always get my way.
i want to live like i don’t deserve to be world famous or have more money than i do. and we’re all entitled in our own way and that’s just part of humanity but i want to live like i dont deserve to not notice, to be blind to my own faults.
i’m not saying i know how to do this, because i’m noticing my faults, really loud and bold, right now. but if i can get one thing i want: i want to stop thinking i deserve more than what i’ve already been given so graciously.